Mending Fences

One of the topics that has come up lately in the wake of the last season is that of relational brokenness, fractured friendships, and family disfunction that surfaced in the midst of the pandemic and the months that have followed. In several instances the relationships that were fractured or became strained were relationships that seemed rock solid and were the type that you thought might be able to weather any storm that might come their way. With that in mind, it was even more of a shock and disappointment for those involved when relational lines were broken, when differing opinions separated and when previously healthy relationships chose to part ways.  Lines were drawn, boundaries may have been crossed, and fences may have been broken.

We are in a season where many are needing to do some relational restorative work; it is a season to mend fences.  This can be hard work, it is often humbling, but in the end there is always the possibility of restoration and healing if you are willing to put in the time and effort.

If you are finding yourself identifying with me on this so far, then I want to give you a few action steps that can be taken if you are interested in trying to mend the fences:

Pray and invite God to meet you first, and give him the space and time to begin to heal and restore your heart. Part of the difficulty in relational conflict is that you can’t change the other person. You are not responsible for their choices or their hurts, AND you can’t want their healing and wellness more than they do. However, you can take responsibility for your actions, and work towards making things right. You can choose to do the hard work with the Lord of addressing your choices and hurts, receive from him the healing and wellness that only he can provide, so that you can forgive the other person.

Whether you stay hurt and disconnected from the other person, or choose to move towards health and reconnection is first in your hands. To move towards reconciliation and mending fences, will require both parties choosing to invest and do their part.

Regardless of whether the other party is interested or not, you can do your part. Come first to the Lord, meet with Him, do the work on your side of the hurt with Him and then begin to move towards the other party.

Choose to remember the person and the relationships priority to the offence that caused the fracturing. Remember what it cost to forge the relationship compared to the opinions that fractured it. When we are offended or hurt by someone that we have previously cared about it is easy to see the offence as greater than the sum total of the previous affection, relational benefit and blessing of the person. As you begin to revisit this you may find that there begins to be a shift towards grace and desire for a reconciliatory work to be considered.

Choose to confront and face the toxic nature of what happened with the love and hope of a God that is able to heal all relationships and reconcile all wrongs. It is uncomfortable to be in conflict with people. Perhaps though, this discomfort may be the very place that God wants meet you. If you are willing to sit in it and wait for the Lord, you may just encounter Him in that place.

If you come to the conversation prepared for a fight with all the rebuttals and weaponized words ready for battle, you will find a fight and further entrench the brokenness. Lay your weapons, words and hurts down at the foot of the cross of Christ, ask for his help and peace and make sure that your heart is clean before the Lord. Commit to have no enemy in the room when you arrive. You may have a person that has hurt you, but you may also find a person who is longing for reconciliation. Don’t make assumptions, and don’t bring a sword to the conversation. As much as possible, choose to be at peace with all people,and especially this person that you previously had charity for and connection with.

Choose to not just bury the pain and move on, but choose to get honest, be humble and get together to hash things out. This may be achievable as the two parties involved or it may require an external party, a mediator, or even a mutual friend, to sit with you as you come together. They can be helpful in reframing and clarifying what is being said, while diffusing potential moments of tension. When you do get together, pray and invite God’s presence and love, and ask him to help you each other hear the other’s heart and also to guide you as you seek to make things right with one another. Then, be honest with one another, speak the truth, but do so with love and choose to season your words with grace and peace. Make sure that you hear and understand one another.

Most importantly, choose to forgive. If needed, choose to ask for forgiveness, but do so to the size of the offence. Don’t be flippant or dismissive. After you have done this, bless each other and pray for God’s blessing and wisdom as you move forward in whatever manner that is, whether together or separately with fences mended.

This will not mean that everything is better now, though it could. It does mean that you have done your part to mend this section of fence in you your relationship. Other things may come up, so deal with them as they do. You may not be ready to trust, that is different than either forgiveness or reconciliation. However, it is impossible to fully trust again without either of those two elements in place. Trust may take time, but reconciliation and forgiveness can be achieved with God and with each other much quicker.

At the end of the day, mending fences takes work, and it may not work… but it can. When it comes to relationship mending fences requires humility, courage, love, and at times, more than what we may think that we have to offer. But when healing comes and that relationship is restored it will be worth all the work in the end.