Opening the Fist of Unforgiveness

It was late afternoon, on a very warm spring day a few years back. I was at work, and Carmen had left work to pick up her grandmother and the kids after school. I received an unexpected call from Carmen asking me to come home quickly because our house had been broken into. 

I left the office in a bit of a flurry, ran to my vehicle and started driving for home, feeling a rush of emotions and feelings: most normal for the circumstance, and some that were unwelcome and unhelpful in that moment. I felt fear that I had not felt moments before. I felt sad, vulnerable and violated. More than anything else, I felt angry. Really angry. I wanted to catch this person or these people and let them know how I felt about what they had done. I wanted my stuff back, but more than that, I wanted justice. I wanted them to pay. I wanted them to suffer for what they had just done to me and my family.  

I remember that as I drove up the hill towards my house I was boiling with anger and thoughts of reprisal, of what I might do if I actually saw them walking with my stuff. It was in that moment of seeing red and feeling vengeful that God broke through and challenged what I was feeling with what He wanted me to do. I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to let go of the anger I was feeling and my desire for justice, and more importantly I needed to forgive the people that did this, and I had to choose to do it quickly.  

Over the next few minutes I made the conscious, intentional decision to specifically, and fully as possible, forgive the person who had stolen not just our things, but also our sense of safety and security in our own home. I spoke the words, “God I forgive this person for…”

When I arrived at our home, the house was turned upside down. Drawers and cabinets were emptied, personal belongings that were previously neatly put away neatly were now strewn about without any regard for their value or personal sentiment. Carmen walked me through the house, we called the police and began to try to establish what had been stolen, what was broken, and what we were going to do next.  

Many of our hurts, wounds and pains are like this. Once they happen we are left to pick up the pieces, establish what has been lost, and try to figure out how to move forward. It was hard to articulate and describe what we were feeling in those first days after the break-in. We felt violated, unsafe, taken advantage of, and even somewhat fearful at times.   

In the midst of it all though, I was struck by how significant of a difference forgiving those responsible for the break-in had made in how I approached and handled the next hours and days to follow. I was not as angry, or resentful as I thought that I would be. It still took time to process the other feelings and thoughts that came as unwelcome guests from that day, but it was different than I expected.  

I learned some things in that event that have stuck with me and have become guiding principles as I have moved forward.  

Forgiveness is a choice that we need to make.  

Jesus has made everything needed for forgiveness to be possible through his forgiveness of us on the cross, but we are still required to forgive and choose to release the offending party. Eventually, forgiveness comes down to making a choice to let go.   

We have to release our right to resentment, bitterness, and brokenness, as well as our desire to hold the other accountable for what they have done. In so doing, we are not choosing to forget the offence or pain, but rather to entrust the offending party to God, as well as our right to vindication or seeing them suffer the consequences for their actions.  This also gives God the space to release a healing to us as well. 

Forgiveness is intentional, and must be specific when it comes to dealing with and releasing hurts.  

Forgiveness is crucial to the Christian life and needs to be done regularly, keeping short accounts with God and towards those who have hurt us.  

Unforgiveness can have the effect of damming up the river of God’s blessing and forgiveness in our lives. It starts as small stones piling up, bit by bit diverting the flow of healing, wellness and wholeness. Before long, it can actually serve to hold back God’s intended work of renewal in your life, until you can to make the choice to forgive. 

Forgiveness is not just an event but an ongoing process.

You may feel like you have done the work but there is still more to deal with. If this is the case, it does not mean that you have not done it right… it means that there are layers to the offence, and you need to keep choosing to forgive. I tried to help someone understand this the other day with the imagery of a pile of dirt.  You have to keep shovelling until it is gone. 

Forgiveness is something that Jesus calls each of us into and then calls us as his followers to be uniquely marked by.

Forgiveness is not just to be an option that we live with in our lives, but rather it is to be a way of living for those who will come after Jesus. It is something that has been made possible for us in Christ and will make a very real difference in our lives.

The longer that unforgiveness is left unchecked and undealt with, it will begin to breed bitterness, anger and resentment among other things. All of these are toxic to your soul. It may feel as though holding onto these things means that you are holding toxin for another to drink, but in actuality it is slowly affecting and harming you.

We often assume that the other person will experience the same level of pain the we are experiencing or are feeling towards them. This is almost always not the reality. Often your offender has moved on long before you have even begun to deal with the issue.  

To describe this best, it would be like holding nails tightly in your hand while hoping that the one who gave you the nails (hurt and wounds) is feeling the pain you are feeling. You are the only one holding onto the nails in your hand. If this is the case for you, it is time to let go.  

Don’t hold onto offence, unforgiveness, or hurt any longer than you actually need to.

Jesus offers us a master class in forgiveness through His crucifixion. As he is dying for humanity, including those who crucified him and wrongly put him there, Jesus forgives.  We read that “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus forgives them and releases them from what they have done to him, in so doing, he is giving them a fresh start.  

David Benner and Robert Harvey, in their book, Choosing the Gift of Forgiveness: How to Overcome Hurts and Brokenness (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1996. p 26) wrote:  

The power of forgiveness is incalculable, its place in healing emotional wounds is crucial, and it is a miracle repeated beyond the pages of Scripture in the lives of God's people today. Forgiveness is important because it is the only solution to the hurts and brokenness we experience both as people who sin and are sinned against. Forgiveness offers us a fresh start. It is the good news that is at the core of Christianity.

I have shared a story of forgiveness from my life. I have shared a story of forgiveness from the life of Jesus. What is your story? Is there something in your story that feels like nails to be released, or like like bitter toxin that has been allowed to affect your heart and soul for longer than it should have?  

Pause with God, give Him access to your soul. If He brings someone to mind for you to forgive, take the opportunity to specifically and intentionally choose to forgive that person, releasing them to Jesus. As you do you will find, as is often the case, that you too will receive a gift of freedom and a fresh start.